This post was drafted in February of 2014 but never posted...so here it is. I was five months pregnant at the time.
For those of you who've followed this blog, my writings can be admittedly mysterious. Each has deep significance to me but as the reader, it may not always be clear what's going on inside this house…or more importantly inside this heart of mine.
Well, allow me to lift the veil of secrecy this day. After a lifetime of dreaming of having a home alive with children and writing about it every given chance….that Sweet Dream is finally coming true.
That's right! I'm having a baby girl.
To me, it's a miracle I thought might pass me by. For time and life were ticking forward with no sign in sight that a cradle would rock inside these perfectly painted ivory walls. Then one day in late October, the Sweet Dream proved a dream no more.
So, it's been a while to say the least. And this little chef has cooked up a surprise not one of you would guess. I baked the greatest dream of all...and her name is Averie. My little angel cake was fully cooked on June 22nd of last year. She's now 10 1/2 months old and my, how life has changed.
In all the time I shared my dreams on this very blog, turns out the hole in my heart was less about pursuing a dream and more about creating one in an oven all my own. Deep down I knew that...and even expressed it in many ways. Still, I seek my professional dream...I want to find just the right fit. Something that melds my heartfelt passions with the woman I am inside and the woman I am yet to become.
Averie has changed everything.
Four days before I learned she was there, I lost my job. The whole team I worked with was wiped out in almost one fell swoop. This was on a Wednesday. Come Sunday...that shock turned to emotional paralysis and disbelief when I learned I was pregnant. I'd dreamed of this all my life and when I least expected it...pow, it was here.
Timing is everything, I swear.
For the next several weeks, I was a downright mess. My once favorite place (the kitchen) now yielded heavy doses of nausea around the clock. Gone were the days of creating epicurean feasts and in came days (and nights) of little more than bagels and bread. It was about all this Sweet Dreamer could stomach.
Again, timing is everything. I couldn't fathom waking up in the wee hours of the morning to get dolled up for work the way I was feeling. I could scarcely lift myself off the couch with skull cracking headaches and a sense of smell that would put a bomb-sniffing dog to shame...let alone muster the strength to go to work. As a high-risk pregnancy - my sole purpose in life was now to protect and care for the life inside me. That was priority number one.
The Universe had closed a door I needed closed at this moment in my life. And opened a new one that has more possibility and beauty than any sight I've ever seen. She was born into this world healthy and happy and peaceful; among family and friends, laughter and tears. I have quite literally Baked the Perfect Dream.
Much more to come...
Sweet Dreams,
Me "But life inevitably throws us curve balls, unexpected circumstances that remind us to expect the unexpected. I've come to understand these curveballs are the beautiful unfolding of both karma and current." - Carre Otis
Ever get so caught up in something that you quite literally can't see or think straight anymore? That's what some refer to as the Spin Cycle. It's when we're so deeply submerged in the dizzying rotation, that we can't come up for air. In fact, on the contrary, we keep diving in for more…sinking deeper each time.
Essentially, it's the desperate hope against hope that things will turn out differently somehow.
A big Giant Step Back may be just what the repairman ordered. Time to reassess, regroup and reset the machine if necessary.
Simply wishing something could change, doesn't mean it will. Which is why maybe sometimes we need to look at things as they are here and now…and make the best choices we can based on the knowledge at hand. Think about it: if we know something inside has the washer off balance…we can either listen to it clank around carelessly or take the more practical approach of stopping the machine to remove or reposition it.
It's the only way to bring the wayward cycle to a screeching halt. Sensible enough in mechanical terms, yet in life, emotions cloud the waters and make what should be clear…very murky.
You never really know…for things can change. But the sage advice is to not hold out hope because it takes a lot of work and sometimes a lot of time. I'd like to say it's not impossible…because all things are truly possible. But be prepared to Accept either outcome.
Acceptance is understanding that no matter how much we want things to work properly, there are just some projects for which two sets of able hands are needed; knowing deep down that no one person can fix the apparatus alone.
Sweet Dreams,
Me
"Where the senses fail us, reason must step in." - Galileo Galilei
Once in a while, one's best-laid plan collapses like a temperamental soufflé. We've followed the directions to a T…doing everything seemingly right. Still, the would-be masterpiece deflates before our very eyes - like an airborne balloon rupturing mid-flight.
It's disappointing and can really throw us off track. Not simply because it didn't go according to plan but more symbolically, it has the appearance of failure. And that, in and of itself, can be a hard morsel to swallow for the results-driven type.
Sometimes it even makes us question ourselves…wondering where our inner Master Chef has gone. Make no mistake, we can't escape ourselves…so he/she is inevitably there. Lost in the mix that life has thrown our way.
But chances are…if you Stick a Fork in that soufflé, it tastes no different than its perfect counterpart. Lob on a scoop of ice cream…and you've got yourself a delicious dessert for which no one is the wiser.
So as I write these words, I remind myself not to get hung up on the appearance of failure or the idea that something has to look a certain way. Happiness comes in all forms. Even a project that seems imperfect, may be more perfect than you think.
Simply focus your palate on the way it tastes and how it feeds your soul. Block out all the self-criticism and self-doubt…and instead trust your Master Chef. Revel in the unpredictablity of life's twists and turns. For while it may seem bittersweet at first, the possibility exists…that what we initially perceive as failure may actually be the Sweetest gift of all.
Sweet Dreams,
Me
"There are some defeats more triumphant than victories." - Michel de Montaigne
Life doesn't always go according to plan. It's a daily creation full of unexpected twists and turns. It's up to us to either see those curveballs as opportunities to come up with a new draft...or as setbacks that can turn a project upside down. I choose the former.
But it can still be scary...terrifying, in fact. Why? Because the unknown involves risk. And we'll never know the payoff until the Renovations get Under Way. The What Ifs can bring construction to a halt - while we sit paralyzed with fear. Fear of things not turning out better than they'd begun. In other facets of life, we call this the "devil we know versus the devil we don't". It's all a risk. We just need to choose which ones are worth taking.
In recent months and weeks, my Blueprint has gone awry. As if someone spilled hot coffee all over it and made the ink run haphazardly across my Big Life Plan. Everything was the Status Quo - and now the lines are blurred, the measurements unreadable and the outcome is anyone's guess.
Sometimes, you need to take a step back and look from a different point of view. Noticing the confluence of events that brought you to this point. Whatever led to this now illegible place...may be nature's way of forcing you to come up with a New Plan entirely...to see things in a different light.
Am I frightened? Oh, God yes. But buried beneath that anxiety lies the trembling excitement of a child. This is my chance, I say to myself. This is my chance to start anew. To lace up my sneakers and tread bravely down a road I've never walked. And when the terror subsides, I see beautiful things...such beautiful things. I see trees and falling leaves. I feel crisp, healthy air. I smell the aroma of a fireplace burning and imagine a family nestled around it. I sense all of my favorite things. And most of all...I feel peace.
This path may be one I need to walk alone. I didn't know that might be my reality nor did I really want that…but I will put one foot in front of the other and march bravely forward no matter what. Knowing I've been through so much worse before, I know deep down, this is a course I can chart. Surrounded by the love and support of my family and friends, I know I can reconstruct ME into the ME I want to be.
All I need to do is make that choice....and find my voice once again.
Sweet Dreams,
Me
"We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance." -Harrison Ford
